Day 57 : Dornoch to Helmsdale

Monday 12th March 2007

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Distance Walked: 29.6 miles
Start Time: 8:52
End Time: 17:33
Elapsed Time: 8:41
Weather: Sunshine and showers
Distance walked so far: 1130.9 miles



Your heart gets broken and you think that you’ll never love again and then, when you try, you find that there’s not as much love to give anymore. Something has died inside and so you guard your heart in case it happens again and you’re left unable to feel anything at all.

I’m hoping it’s not the same with feet. These are my weapons of self-destruction. After weeks of merciless punishment, I now dread the moment when I have to squeeze into the boots, locking myself into position for another day of relentless hammering. And the A9 is an unfeeling host. A truly dreadful way to finish any walk. Such great work has been done in opening up areas of Britain for walkers, and so many fantastic (or at least well-intentioned) paths have been created, that it does seem incredible that so much of the coastline is not accessible to the public. It would make such a huge difference generally, but specifically to a walk like this.

For I’m truly now on the coast again. I’ve walked besides sea lochs and firths, but today really feels like the first day actually alongside the sea since I dragged myself away from the bay at Saint Michael’s Mount, fifty-five days ago. But, like fire or a pert breast, I don’t have to touch it to know that it’s real, preferring to take the inland road to Loch Fleet rather than walk across the sands and grass of Dornoch Links.

From here it’s back onto the A9, where the grass verge disappears and the dodging of the lorries becomes an all-encompassing exercise. Thankfully though, there are a few delightful detours along the way which salvage the day from painful drudgery. From the town of Golspie, a footpath along the coast passes behind the marvellously eccentric Dunrobin Castle, a fairytale palace with Disney-like spires shooting into the air. But the personal highlight is the walk along the amazing beach at Brora; orange sands below and a perfect blue sea beckoning, with just the seabirds and a gang of lazy seals for company. It’s only a mile and a half, but it restores my faith and confidence, acting as a sedative for the final burst, along the A9 to Helmsdale.

These last few miles of the Walk are the hardest of all. It is becoming a slog. I know I’m going to get there now, so mentally it’s as if there’s no point actually physically getting to the finish. Basically, I just want it to end. I long for rest, and days of lazy sunshine. I picture myself in Southern California, or driving down the Surf Highway in New Zealand, with the waves on the right, the mountains on the left, tunes on the stereo, blue sky, hot sun and a sweet heart by the side. The pain comes and goes. The discomfort is constant. The battle is in the mind.

If I had had a reason for doing this then I’m sure I would have stopped by now. I would have argued myself into submission and given up. It must be hellish for those with people depending on the success of their Walks, those with charitable donations weighing on their shoulders or who had been planning and dreaming of it for years, who have engineered their lives to give them the time and resources to try, and to then be put in a position where they might cave in.

I love the fact that it’s difficult. That there are huge sections, days sometimes, that I hate. I love the meaningless of it all. I have no reason to be doing this whatsoever and, for that reason alone, I continue.



Song of the day:

Belle & Sebastian
“Le Pastie de la Bourgeoisie”

Wouldn’t you like to get away? /
Kerouac’s beckoning with open arms /
The open fields of eucalyptus /
Westward bound /
Wouldn’t you like to get away? /
Give yourself up to the allure of “Catcher in the Rye” /
The future’s draped in stars and stripes

Day 56 : Alness to Dornoch

Sunday 11th March 2007

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Distance Walked: 20.9 miles
Start Time: 8:49
End Time: 15:24
Elapsed Time: 6:35
Weather: Overcast and windy
Distance walked so far: 1101.3 miles

Weekly Audio Update: Dave on The Steve Show - Day 56



She leaves in the morning, quietly, and is away. Though I relish the company, it only feels right that I finish this alone. One of the appealing aspects of the Walk was that it seemed like something that could be achieved with no support or preparation and, with the end almost in sight, I’m keen to push myself as hard as possible to see just how much discomfort I can withstand.

I’ve had no sensation at all in my big toes for about a month now, which is probably lucky as they’d be furious if they knew what was going on down there. I have adopted a walking technique which can only be described as “upright indifference”: arms folded, head back, spine straightened, eyes fixed down the length of the enormous nose. This form of arrogant plodding seems to alleviate the pain in the left shoulder but gets me some funny looks from the passing traffic. To hell with ‘em. Let see how they look when they’ve walked eleven hundred miles.

Today’s morning miles are rain-sodden and drab, along back roads between forest and farms. The thick cloud presses down and all is gloomy. Reaching the outskirts of Tain by midday, with the expanse of the Dornoch Firth beckoning before me, I join the A9 for the first of many miles over the final few days, this time as it heads over the bridge towards Dornoch. It’s a smart, elegant town, enticing visitors with its seaside location, impressive accommodation and world class golf course. It feels like I’ve walked into another world in a single day.

The minor celebrity that has been plaguing me on a weekly basis continues to interfere. Completing the walk is not enough to keep him entertained, it seems. Now there’s an artificial deadline and the spectre of charitable donations if the deadline is met. Not only is he trying to turn me into a performing monkey, he’s also trying to make me dance. Worse, he’s trying to add meaning to the Walk where previously there was none. Yet, as much as I’m indifferent to the notion of charity, the prospect of forcing such a Scrooge-like character to dip into his money-bin is too enticing to dismiss. It will involve completing the final five days worth of walking in three and a half days, but I suspect that I won’t be the one in the most pain at the end if I succeed.

Song of the day:

Rickie Lee Jones
“After Hours”

All the gang has gone home /
Standing on the corner /
All alone /
You and me, streetlight /
We'll paint the town - grey /
Oh, we are so many lamps /
Who have lost our way

Day 55 : Inverness to Alness

Saturday 10^th March 2007

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Distance Walked: 29.4 miles
Start Time: 8:47
End Time: 17:36
Elapsed Time: 8:49
Weather: Sunshine and showers. Grey later.
Distance walked so far: 1080.4 miles

I know little of magic but, crossing the Kessock Bridge out of Inverness, I see the first road sign to John o’Groats (120 miles!) as a huge bold rainbow arcs across the sky, and it feels just about as perfect as anything is ever going to be. A fairytale. Of course, the pummelling wind nearly dumps me into the Beauly Firth below but, clinging on, I stagger down to follow the road as it hugs the shoreline of the Firth from North Kessock.

Walking into a headwind is a bit of a nightmare, and the road here is totally exposed. The air sweeps down from the mountains, along the expanse of water and into the face. Still, the sun is out and creates interesting silhouettes which I admire as I struggle on. More than anything, it’s a relief to have a change of scenery, a different kind of environment. The smell of the sea is enervating. No change is as good as a rest, but this is definitely a welcome change.

It doesn’t last long. Cutting inland between farms and fields, I pass villages of shire horses and Highland cows before joining the A862 as it heads towards Dingwall, at the mouth of the Cromarty Firth. This is where they bring the huge oil rigs for a holiday, but I can’t see any today. It’s not holiday season so this would be a logical place to stop for the night, but, of course, I carry on walking.

My feet start to break.

Nineteen miles seems to be the usual point at which the discomfort turns to pain, regardless of terrain, but nineteen miles of unforgiving tarmac is guaranteed to hobble. Every step of the next ten miles becomes an interesting exercise in sensation management. Eventually I pass through Evanton (where a note scribbled on the door of the Police Station says “Do Not Disturb”) and onto the road to Alness which, it seems, is extremely popular with boy racers, keen to use me as target practice as they scream up and down in their low-slung, rumbling lumps of crap. I’m itching for a fight, then, as one of them pulls up alongside.

“Do you need a lift into town pal?” he says, Scottishly
“No thanks mate. I’m walking to John o’Groats so that would ruin everything”
“Man alive!” he coughs, exhaling plumes of smoke “Good luck pal!”, and off he screeches.

Nice of him to ask though. Maybe Alness is not a reflection of its car-owning youths, I ponder. Wishful thinking. It is a nasty little place. The Support Crew had secured a room in the Station Hotel, a drab depressing place which, on a Saturday night, plays host to a throbbing disco for the bristling locals. It was Launceston all over again. Finally, at midnight, the bass ceases, the bedroom stops shaking and the drunks fade into the streets, obscenities spilling through the darkness.

Signs in the town centre proclaim that Alness is a recent winner of the “Britain In Bloom” competition. This I can understand. Flowers thrive in shit, and this place is full of it.

Song of the day:

Sigur Ros
“Hoppipola”

Hopping into puddles /
Completely drenched /
Soaked /
With no boots on /
And I get nosebleed /
But I always get up

Day 54 : Drumnadrochit to Inverness

Friday 9^th March 2007

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Distance Walked: 19.2 miles
Start Time: 9:32
End Time: 15:42
Elapsed Time: 6:09
Weather: Windy and grey, with bright patches
Distance walked so far: 1051 miles

Joy! Someone must have stolen the sign that indicates the point at which the Great Glen Way swings upwards, away from the evil A82, because I certainly didn’t see it, and was left with a five mile jaunt on the tarmac to begin my day, sandwiched between roaring trucks and the grey expanse of water on the right. At least it allowed a consistent view of the loch, which is something that the irritating Way doesn’t do, and, glancing back, the views of the receding Urquhart Castle were almost worth the threat of imminent flattening.

Intrigued to see how much worse the Way could get, I fashion a route up the sheer slope towards Abriachan, and rejoin “It” as it follows tedious back roads over dull, exposed moor land. I wish I hadn’t bothered. The committee that designed this route must never have walked it themselves and, if they have, I suggest they do so over and over again, as punishment.

After a few miles through yet more pine, Inverness come into view, with the expanse of Beauly Firth behind. It looks like a grey kind of place from the approach, somewhat confirmed during the meandering wander through the housing estates and leisure centres that the Way insists upon before reaching the centre. The park through the river is pretty though and, with a stumpy cathedral on one bank and a stock castle on another, there’s something solid and imposing about the town.

The Great Glen Way ends in front of the castle and so do I. It may be a poor excuse for a Long Distance Path, but it’s the last one I’m going to get. I’ve run out of trails. From here it’s back to the roads. Until the roads run out. Then I’ll know I’ve made it.

Song of the day:

Cracker
“Low”

Sometimes I go and walk the street /
Behind the green sheet of glass /
A million miles below their feet /
A million miles, a million miles

Day 53 : Invermoriston to Drumnadrochit

Thursday 8^th March 2007

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Distance Walked: 14 miles
Start Time: 9:45
End Time: 14:02
Elapsed Time: 4:17
Weather: Sunshine and showers
Distance walked so far: 1031.8 miles

He could snap me like a twig. Of that I’m certain. And once snapped, he could toss me over his shoulder and cart me up to the top of Ben Nevis, like the people in his stories who carry pianos and fridges up to the peak, leaving them on the summit for the mountain rescue helicopters to winch down. He has so many stories, the genial owner of the Glenmoriston Arms, and he works through the full repertoire from his place behind the bar. Tales of runners who pelt up and down the mountains in thirty minutes, or who conquer twenty-four peaks in twenty-four hours. Ridiculous tales. Of non-stop five day stomps as a member of the Special Forces. These days he is a friendly hotel owner but there’s something steely within and, impressed by my efforts, he yearns for the day when he can once again take on a challenge like mine. He’ll run it, he says. Fifty miles a day. Easy. I don’t disagree. He could definitely snap me.

The section of the Great Glen Way from Invermoriston to Drumnadrochit may be relatively short, but it’s by far the hilliest of the trail, with countless switchbacks to test the patience. Once again, it’s the high path along the Forestry Commission track through the firs and, as yesterday, the glimpses of the loch below are rare and precious. It looks moodier today too. Meaner. The myth of the monster is, of course, ridiculous but, just as I can’t help but check for lurking ghosts when having a piss at night, I involuntarily keep scanning the surface for any sign of the beastie. To no avail, thankfully.

Regardless, the Way soon pulls away from the water altogether, concluding the day with some dull, pointless miles along the high back road before dropping down to the tourist hub of Drumnadrochit. What’s most peculiar about this choice of route is that it totally avoids the one landmark that would logically be the highlight of the walk, for the picturesque remains of Urquhart Castle are two miles back along the A82 from Drumnadrochit, two miles that are definitely worth retracing as the ruins are some of the most iconic in the country.

And they’re iconic because they confirm most tourist’s preconceptions. This is what Scotland means to them. A land of castles and mountains and water and clouds and, at Urquhart, they can capture the single photograph that includes all those things. It’s beautifully convenient. They come from all over the world to see it, stepping straight from their Nessie boat trip into the history and romance of the neatly packaged castle, balancing on the edge of the water. Tellingly, the shop and café dwarf the size of the tiny museum at the Visitor Centre. This is a place of myth and merchandise, and I don’t really have any room in my pack for either.

Song of the day

Grandaddy
“Nature Anthem”

I wanna walk up the side of the mountain /
I wanna walk down the other side of the mountain /
I wanna swim in the river /
And lie in the sun /
I wanna try to be nice to everyone

Day 52 : Invergarry to Invermoriston

Wednesday 7th March 2007

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Distance Walked: 17.2 miles
Start Time: 9:30
End Time: 15:37
Elapsed Time: 6:07
Weather: Sunshine and showers.
Distance walked so far: 1017.8 miles

Brad is from New Jersey and, on his first trip to Europe, has already seen more of the continent’s major cities than most Europeans will ever manage. Across the sunlit breakfast room we compare stories of our two contrasting journeys, and end up feeling rather envious of each other’s escapades. Rather than waste time in England, he spent a weekend in London then came straight up to Scotland. It’s easy to understand why. There may be many interesting sights down south, but Scotland feels unique and, just as importantly, actually seems to welcome visitors. I tear myself away from the warm hospitality of the Invergarry Hotel and head out into the light morning mist.

It’s a few miles along the A82, by the shores of Loch Oich, before I can rejoin the Great Glen Way at Bridge of Oich, from where it again follows the Caledonian Canal northwards. Like so many of the feats of engineering that allowed Scotland to prosper, the canal has Thomas Telford’s skilled fingers all over the design. Here it runs parallel with the River Oich and, as the sun finally usurps the grey bursts of rain, I almost begin to warm to the monotonous pounding, especially when it leads to Fort Augustus, the little town at the southern end of Loch Ness.

Now here’s a place that is known throughout the world, though probably for the wrong reasons. It doesn’t have the surface area of Lomond, but it is by far the bigger of the two. It’s almost unimaginably big, actually, but these two stats might help you to try. If you were sufficiently minded, and had a lot of help, you could fit all the people in the world into the waters of Loch Ness, three times over. And it’s so big that it holds more water than all the lakes and reservoirs in England and Wales put together. It’s a real monster.

True to form, the Great Glen Way lurches away from the shore and insists on plunging through yet more bland forests, obscuring the sight of the water for much of the time. Through the sporadic clearings though, the view is simply stunning, and I grudgingly admit that it’s only truly possible to appreciate the scale of the landscape from such an elevated position. It’s mostly a view of pine though, and a slog up and down the slopes. Most of the Great Glen Way uses the route of the Great Glen Cycle Path, and it’s certainly geared towards bikers rather than walkers. It also seems to lack the range of accommodation that was so reassuring in the Highlands, which is maybe why the stop in Invermoriston proves to be such a welcome relief.

I nestle into the beautifully comfy Glenmoriston Arms Hotel, just as the Support Crew arrives to administer a final hello. She tells me that I stink, and I say what I think of her too. To be fair, the sack of clothes hasn’t been washed since I set foot in Scotland and the hum is almost overpowering. I add the task to my “To Do” list, somewhere between “Finish Walk” and “Find A Job”. It’s good to set priorities, but at the moment mine do not especially centre on personal hygiene.

Song of the day:

The Arlenes
“Lonely won’t leave me alone”

There was a time I thought I knew /
About life and what to do /
And now it’s plain /
I know nothing at all

Day 51 : Fort William to Invergarry

Tuesday 6th March 2007

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Distance Walked: 28.8 miles
Start Time: 8:37
End Time: 17:41
Elapsed Time: 9:04
Weather: Mostly wet and gloomy. Rainbows!
Distance walked so far: 1000.6 miles

Fort William is the self-styled “Outdoor Capital of Britain” but, in the same way that I’m the self-styled “Lord of Lingering Disappointment”, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true. The town is certainly in an enviable position, wedged between mountain and sea loch, and, more importantly, it has loads and loads and loads of shops. I invest heavily in new socks to pamper my suffering soles and look for a Way out.

Just as the West Highland Way ends at one roundabout, so the Great Glen Way begins at another, sandwiched between a supermarket car park and a McDonald’s drive-thru. It leads out through miles of stained concrete houses before joining the Caledonian Canal at Corpach, where the multi-tiered lock system of Neptune’s Staircase allows the sea-going vessels to penetrate the inland waterway. It’s a huge canal, much wider and more imposing than any of the others I’ve encountered, but no more entertaining, particularly as the torrents begin to fall.

I should be used to walking along wet towpaths by now, but it still grates. At least there are sporadic glimpses of the diminishing, cloud-covered Ben, and the path is certainly smooth, but it’s a relief when the canal is left behind and the walk along the lazily-named Loch Lochy begins. Unlike with Lomond, here the path sticks closely to the shoreline, perfect for moments of quiet, if damp, contemplation, if that's your thing.

Heading up into the lochside forests, the seasonal lack of the dreaded Scottish midge is again a source of relief. They love the wet, wooded places, and they would love me too, but today my concern remains with the search for a bed for the night. Laggan appears to have been deserted, so I press on in failing gloom and falling rain, taking an annoyingly meandering cycle track which eventually drops down to Invergarry where, mercifully, I secure the last remaining room in the only hotel in the area. It’s a comforting kind of place, and I pad around bare foot trying to get my legs to bend, whilst the huge alsation eyes me suspiciously from his spot by the fire. Slowly, the feeling returns.

Song of the day:

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
“Wonderful Life”

We can build our dungeons in the air and sit and cry the blues /
We can stomp across this world with nails hammered through our shoes /
We can join that troubled chorus who criticise and accuse /
It don't matter much we got nothing much to lose /
But this wonderful life /
If you can find it

Day 50 : Kinlochleven to Fort William

Monday 5th March 2007

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Distance Walked: 15 miles
Start Time: 9:17
End Time: 14:34
Elapsed Time: 5:17
Weather: Overcast
Distance walked so far: 971.8 miles

Everyday I’m ashamed of the person I was the day before. The things I said and did, I seemed so naïve then. So much I didn’t know. Yet somehow, in the moment, I forget this, and persist with the notion that my experiences are not simply mundane. If my rampant arrogance wasn’t balanced by crippling self-doubt, I would be a monster.

In the Lime Tree Gallery in Fort William there’s an exhibition of Frank Hussey’s stunning photographs of Shackleton’s unsuccessful expedition to Antarctica. It’s astonishing stuff. True adventure. Even the rugged types in the huge Nevisport outlet at the other end of the High Street seem more genuine than me, as they discuss their recent exploits on the Ben, avoiding avalanches and leaping through the crags. What have I done? Walked from one B&B to another. I am a fraud.

To reach Fort William, the last section of the West Highland Way climbs steeply out of Kinlochleven, then slopes incessantly upwards through the long Lairigmor valley. With snow capped peaks on all sides, and the wind and sleet slamming into the face, it’s a pretty isolated place. Bending north, the stony path leads into the Nevis Forest, where timber felling has turned the path in places into a mushy mess that’s difficult to penetrate. Presumably these seasonal operations will be completed before the hordes of spring walkers arrive for, again, there’s virtually no one else around.

Those that are here, are here for the mountain. For looming above the pine trees is the bulky outline of Britain’s highest peak. Life should be as it’s drawn by four-year-olds with crayons. Cars should be boxes with wheels. Parents should have huge heads with strands of wispy hair. Mountains should be triangles with squiggles of snow on top. Ben Nevis at least has the snow, but otherwise it’s a pretty drab pinnacle, a squat behemoth. A minor mount in world terms, but it’s the biggest we’ve got. I toy with the idea of taking a day off to climb it, but decide against it. That would be too adventurous and I am a fraud. The Way ends beside a roundabout, car park and shop. I take a photograph, and track down another B&B for the night.

Song of the day:

Dave Mason
“Shouldn’t have took more than you gave”

Shouldn’t have took more than you gave /
Then we wouldn’t be in this mess today /
I know we’ve all got different ways /
But the dues we’ve got to pay /
Are still the same

Day 49 : Inveroran to Kinlochleven

Sunday 4th March 2007

Distance Walked: 19 miles
Start Time: 9:13
End Time: 15:30
Elapsed Time: 6:17
Weather: Cloudy. Rain later.
Distance walked so far: 956.8 miles

Weekly Audio Update: Dave on The Steve Show - Day49



I’ve had plenty of opportunities on the walk to consider what it would be like to do this whole thing the other way round, from top to bottom. A JOGLE rather than a LEJOG. Aside from the obvious drawbacks, such as the map being upside down, it just seems that the country is designed to be walked from south to north. The manner in which the landscape reveals itself today, following the Way as it drills efficiently between the majestic mountains, emphasises this in the most spectacular fashion.

This is big sky country. Everything is distance. Rannoch Moor is vast and desolate, but the morning clouds are benign and the still air makes for comfortable walking on the gentle cobbled trail. Passing a friendly crew of weekend walkers who cheer me on and insist on a photo, I reach the Pass of Glen Coe and it truly inspires awe. This is how it should be experienced. On foot, savouring the power of the landscape. A moment to cherish. The trio of peaks, the Three Sisters, stand like guardians and I approach with head bowed as the wind rises.

The passage out of this place is up the ominously titled Devil’s Staircase, which winds steeply northwards up the hillside for a couple of hundred metres and, like the ascent of Jacob’s Ladder in the Peak District, it seems only proper that such a route be conquered rather than used as a means of descent. It’s an unrelenting climb, but the path is smooth and, with so many miles in the legs, I eat it up, just in time for the deluge to begin at the top. Thankfully, the long descent down the pass and through the forest at the end of Loch Leven is not too arduous and, donning the full suite of wet-weather gear, I make rapid progress.

It’s not until I step in a murky puddle and feel the water flooding into the sock that I notice the chasm between the sole and boot of the left foot. Ensconced in the cheery Tailrace Inn in the Twin Peaks-like town of Kinlochleven, with its pine tree setting and cast of kooky characters, I make a final attempt to seal the boot's fate. Grabbing the remains of the superglue, I spunk the whole tube into the gaping flap and hold on tight, for this is make or break time. These boots are going to carry me all the way to the top whether I like it or not. It’ll be the last thing they ever do.



Song of the day:

Midlake
“Roscoe”

The village used to be all one really needs /
Now it’s filled with hundreds and hundreds of chemicals /
That mostly surround you /
You wish to flee but it's not like you /
So listen to me, listen to me

Day 48 : Inverarnen to Inveroran

Saturday 3rd March 2007

Distance Walked: 21.6 miles
Start Time: 9:50
End Time: 17:32
Elapsed Time: 7:42
Weather: Changeable. Like pants.
Distance walked so far: 937.8 miles

Of all the paths, in all the country, the West Highland Way is my favourite. Like a good lover, it is gentle and forgiving and undemanding, whilst simultaneously providing access to the goodies. And like all the best partners, I've got it all to myself. Bet she’s a tart in summer, but in the grey morning rain it was just me and the trail, nuzzling each other in unspeakable ways.

After an enforced late start, waiting for the drab processed breakfast at the Drovers Inn, the day began inauspiciously in the wet gloom. Walking up hills through a film of rain is not much fun, especially when the clouds are so low that they obscure the view, but when the sun slowly started to emerge to display the mountains all around I began to forget the dampness and simply marvelled at the expansiveness of it all. If I’d ever dreamt of Scotland, this is the Scotland of my dreams.

And the West Highland Way simply slides straight through it, dipping up and down, but never forcing a strenuous diversion into peril. It largely follows the old military road that was built to allow rapid movements of troops and supplies to squash the pesky local uprisings that threatened the influx of taxes, and as such it follows the contours of the hills, bending around rather than over, and for a walker it is a delight.

As is the Real Food Café in Tyndrum, which arrived at my feet for a timely lunchtime munch. If the pull of the hills wasn’t so strong I could’ve spent the afternoon working my way through the menu, which combines the rare feat of being both ethically sound and amazingly tasty. I loved the atmosphere. I loved the sausage roll and chip butty. I loved the community spirit. I had to go.

Through the rain and the rainbows, in the shadow of the magnificent Ben Dorain, along the military road down to Bridge of Orchy and then up and over the steep Mam Carraigh to reveal the shapely Loch Tulla and the isolated Inveroran Hotel, one of only three buildings in Inveroran itself. A perfect place for a romantic getaway, but I was alone, with just the memory of the special times I’d shared with the path and the prospect of more to come tomorrow.

Song of the day:

Nancy Priddy
“Feelings”

Feelings /
Are washing over me like summer rain /
I feel as if I’m being born again /
Alive and warm and free /
The way that I was meant to be